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death has been my most recurring thought in the last few years. don’t get me wrong, i don’t want to die; in fact, i wish to live for hundreds of years¹ (or forever). so if it’s not suicidal thoughts, what’s this notion that has been living rent-free in my head?

i’ve been thinking about death because, to me, it’s the most permanent event that can happen. i strongly (or foolishly) believe that given time, i can proactively or reactively shape the outcome of most² events to my liking; but death doesn’t give you this privilege. this trait is what makes death unique and worth thinking about.

i use the word “unique” instead of “scary” or “bad”, because i’m neither afraid of death nor consider it an unfortunate event. it’s just an event, albeit the most absolute event. thinking about death helped me become more pragmatic, or i thought so.

i thought about death for years but it was more of an abstract thought, just a prominent part of my usual over-thinking. it was more like “how should i live my life before i die?” and less like “what if i die just now?”. however, the situation has changed³ in the last 24 hours and suddenly, my thoughts shifted more from the former to the latter.

and it’s unbelievable how this subtle change of perspective led me to rethink my past thoughts.

i previously expected that an increased chance of death would make me more afraid of it; but it didn’t. i rarely thought about death in the past day or so. i had no stress yesterday, didn’t feel the need to constantly check the news, felt upbeat enough to make hotdog for dinner, and slept well last night (even though you could constantly hear the sound of explosions throughout the night).

what changed though, was the way that i weigh my actions. the combination of “death being the most permanent event” and “there is a higher than average chance that i die right now”, makes you rethink your priorities.

i watched the famous stay foolish, stay hungry speech more than a decade ago and while jobs’ words were inspirational i didn’t take grasp of it until death turned from a distant possibility to a near one.

assuming that “i might not live to see tomorrow” reshapes every single decision you make. you start to question how you’re spending your time and why you’re doing what you’re doing. i can’t believe the level of clarity that this simple assumption brings.

you see, for the majority of my life, i’ve always been hesitant to act. i didn’t take advantage of countless opportunities because i couldn’t take action; opportunities that could’ve revamped my life. thoughts like:

• what if i won’t be capable?
• what if i fail?
• what if i make someone sad?
• i should wait for the right time

were always in the back of my mind. i spent more time “thinking about making the best move” than “making a move”. but now when i look back, death (and the combination of its permanence and nearness) shows me that i acted like a coward (or perhaps been one).

i don’t know how the situation would unfold in the next few days or weeks, but i’m pretty sure that hesitance to act is a foolish behavior. you might die now or in hundred years, it doesn’t make a difference. however, you’ll always be dead inside if you lack the courage to act. even making a seemingly wrong move might lead to a better outcome than getting stuck in the same place.