i’m feeling unbearable heaviness in my chest. i cried but it didn’t help. walking? meditation? gaming? watching movies? donuts? none of them helped either. decided to talk with someone but had no luck so i pursued alternative options and settled on writing this.
over the last year or so, i tried my best to focus; and i was fairly successful in it (or at least, i think so). i disposed quite a few work-related threads, focused on my job which led to noticeable growth of the company that i’m working for.
however, during this period, i didn’t feel joy, not even a bit.
i’m not quite sure what is wrong. i assumed i felt lost because of decision fatigue, therefore focusing on the most reliable option and cutting off other threads would lead me to what i want. but what exactly do i want?
i’m not quite sure what i want yet i’m pretty confident what i don’t seek. i mean, trying to focus for a while didn’t lead to my desired outcome but it gave me an unexpected, yet fairly helpful, insight: i learned that i don’t want a mediocre life.
i don’t want to be a middle manager. i don’t want to be a random cog in a much larger machine. i would rather die than settle for a subpar end result. i don’t want to do something just because i should or because i have no other options. i despise doing things for the sake of doing things.
for long, i tried to be normal, act normal, and live a normal life like most people but time and time again it has been proven to me that i’m not wired like that and probably there is something wrong with me. i don’t want a normal life and if i can’t live my life the way i want, it’s not worth living.
am i delusional for thinking that i can control my life? maybe. but i have zero doubt that if i can’t control my life, i’d lose my mind; so it’s a war worth fighting. it’s worth mentioning tho, i don’t expect to win every single battle but rather i want to win the war. i only know that i can shape things, and i’d try to.
when i started writing this, i didn’t know what i wanted to write. however, after spending a few hours writing, deleting, and writing again, i have a much better grasp of my inner feelings. i still feel the heaviness in my chest but my thoughts are much more clear now.